


I can't carry on without you.

by daughterofkrypton



Series: The Gabrielle scrolls [1]
Category: Xena: Warrior Princess
Genre: Depression, F/F, Other, post afin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-23
Updated: 2014-10-26
Packaged: 2018-02-22 07:42:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2499974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daughterofkrypton/pseuds/daughterofkrypton
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Series of Post A Friend in Need written in Gabrielle's point of view.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I can't carry on without you.

I've reached Greece. The moment I desembarked the boat and touched land you left me. Your spirit was no longer in my heart. You promise you'd always be here. But you aren't and I just feel so alone.  I don't know how to carry one without you. Days seem to mersh together into nothingness. When you died a part of me died with you that day. No, my entire soul died. You primised me we were always going to be together. Yet you didn't give me the choice to be with you at the end. Why you didn't leave me a choice? You were my greater good and you tok the choice from me. It hurts so much. I feel empty, dead without you. 

What do you do when you finally find your home only to have that home ripped away from you? How can I carry on when all I've ever know, all I've ever loved, cherished, cared for is gone? All has fade into dust? How do you carry on when your soul is ripped away from you? When all there is left are memories, feelings felt unfelt, words left unspoken, hugs left ungiven? I don't know how to carry one without you. I thought I did when you convinced me to let you stay dead. How could you do that to me? How could you take the choice away from me like that? How could you leave me without nothing? Without heart? Without love?

Food doesn't taste the same when you  are not here. I've stopped feeling the tranquility of a morning's breeze. I can't look at the once beautiful Grecian countryside like I used to and take pleasure in it. The flowers, once lovely, pretty, colourful, seem to have fade its colour, to have lost its vibrance. I seem to have lost the passion for writing, I can't put a single word on a scroll without the scroll being tainted with my tears. Your death even took that away from me. The joy of writing since evrything I wrote about is now dead. I sent all my scrolls to Lila because even the smallest of glances to them remind me of what I lost. Remind me of you. And just thinking about you breaks what's left of my heart into unrepairable pieces. I can't carry on without you.

I don't think I have the strenght to carry one without you. I don't have the strenght to keep fighting for the greater good when the greater good ripped from me everything. I don't know if you can hear me all the way in Jappa or wherever you are, but Xena I miss you so much. My soul aches for you. Nights are cold and unforgiving. You know I had always felt like I was always in your shadow, always second to you. Now all I long for is to be in that shadow again. Because the sun isn't as warm as I though it would be...Not without you. 

I wish I knew how to carry on without you...

 

But I can't Xena...

 

...I can't.


	2. I don't know how to live without you.

I could list the things that broke that day in Jappa. I could list so many things that died with you that day, but I don't even have the strength to do that. So I will just say that everything broke that day. Everything died when you did. I wanted to tell you there how much it hurt that you left me behind. I've heard somewhere don't pity the dead, pity the living. Those who are left behind. And it's true, you should petty those left behind, broken, devastated. Everything they loved torn away from them. So you can say my soul has been ripped out from its place. It just hurts so much.

I can't get myself to go to Amphipolis and bury your ashes in your family's crypt like you wanted to. I'm just afraid that if I do I'll lose what little I have left of you. Maybe I'm holding to the illusion that I could bring you back somehow. But I know you'll hate me if I do. Because in the end the greater good abd your redemption mattered more to you than me. I can't believe you did this to me. Your should is trapped forever in Jappa. We were supposed to be together till the rest of our days and then be reincarnated together. I guess that didn't matter to you either in the end, right?

Aphrodite visited me today. I tried to hide my pain and suffering from her. To mask how broken, how dead I am inside. But she sees right through my crumbling walls. I wanted to keep my walls up but I just crumbled into her arms. She was there for me. And I cried for what it seemed like an eternity. Her embrace was just so comforting. Don't worry I won't be moving on from you anytime soon. I don't think I'll ever will. But Aphrodite is just the friend I needed.

She says I've lost weight and look like I haven't been able to sleep in a while. She says she sees how much pain my soul is in and how broken is my heart. She says it's a "goddess thing", that I can't fool her like I do everyone else, pretending I am fine. But she sees through me.

She says I have to take care of myself, that you wouldn't want me to go to waste. But I just can't carry on without you in my life. She says that it will all get better with time. And that she's here for me. I don't believe it can get better with time. I don't. And I pushed her away afterwards. I could see the pain in her eyes before she vanished. I feel so horrible that I did that to her. She didn't deserve it and I just hurt my only friend. I wish she would return soon so I can ask for her forgiveness. Even though I don't deserve it.

Every inch of my soul, ny heart, my being mourn for you. Everything that I am longs for nothing else than to be lost in your arms. But that will never happen...

Gods Xena....

...I just miss you so much...


End file.
